The Chronicles of a Capitalist Lawyer: Mother

Showing posts with label Mother. Show all posts

I couldn't even whisper to curse you.

The words in my throat that I never spoke.

"Will we meet again?"

A voice that cannot be heard.

Where Our Blue Is - Tatsuya Kitani

Dear Mom,

The only piece of writing that took me longer to finish than this letter is my dissertation and I am not surprised. Writing this imaginary letter was tough. I was supposed to finish it as part of a tribute to you when we celebrated the memories of your life on the 40-day milestone since you passed away. But I could not do it. As much as I want to write an entirely cheerful story, a part of me still refuses to believe that you have gone forever. And in a way, that refusal is one of the main reasons why the tone of this letter ends up as it is today, almost two years since you passed away. In fact, I probably will never finish this letter if Dad did not make this post about you in his Instagram account. He truly understands me.

Indeed, a sudden and shocking death is often suffocating for the ones left behind compared to those stories where their loved ones succumbed to long-term illnesses. It was the inability to properly say goodbye to you that caught me in such a perfect storm and unless I can properly convey that indescribable feeling, or at least pretend that I am able to do so, I will never move on.

You know that I was never good in expressing my emotion through any means of communication other than writing. I just find the whole act to be beneath me and it is not your fault, you were always frustrated with my cold gesture. I was born with that kind of prejudice, being the most pompous kid that you've ever seen. Who else in their kindergarten days shushing their fellow mates for crying while complaining to the teacher on why we have these suckers around? Kids should have more dignity. But do you know why I never cry in front of anyone as a kid, or as a matter of fact, until today? Because I noticed that you were so proud of seeing me acting not like a little child despite being the youngest in the class. I suppose I took that gesture to an extreme level, a recurring problem whenever I start to gain obsession on a subject or an act. I just can't stop.

And even when I decide to express my inner feeling through my writings, it must also be in English because I find that writing about such deeply personal matters sounds so cringe in my native tongue. Plus I know that most Indonesian people will skip anything written in foreign language, it's a win-win situation for both me and my selected readers. I can work on my own therapy and I can get away for being my true self as I will usually have to put a lot of restraint if I write it in Indonesian language. So, imagine the dread that I faced when I was asked to write an introduction in Indonesian language for the opening of your special book of prayers and to give a speech about you in our event celebrating your memory months ago. The agony! But oh well, I digress.

I really want to say that I hate you for leaving us so soon and without a word, but I guess the one that I hate is myself. 41 years of living in this mortal plane and not once have I ever grieved for anyone. I mean, yes I felt a little bit sad for a couple of days when your mother and father (Oma and Opa) passed away back in 1994 and 2018, respectively. Gary Becker's death in 2014 would make a good example of a non-family member's death that somehow affected me. There is also a huge sense of sadness for the death of some of my beloved game and manga characters (which I cannot share here due to potential spoilers). They lingered for a while and then vanished for good while the beautiful memories remain.

But grieving? Come on, I am supposed to be the supreme leader with the blackest soul in this planet. Most people would believe that no amount of pain and suffering of other beings have ever moved my heart which is supposed to be colder than Boomerang Nebula's temperature and darker than Vantablack's shade of darkness. Well, they are not necessarily wrong. After all, I am the master of Schadenfreude, especially when it happens to my enemies and haters; seeing their frustration makes me smile from ear to ear, it is the fuel that keeps the everlasting fire in my soul burning so brightly. Yet, I grieve when you are no longer around. For the first time in my life, my hellfire furnace started to dim, and I am struggling to understand why such thing could happen.

Perhaps, this is all because I hate failure so much. I was basically brainwashed to be uber-competitive to a level where failure is never an option, where every problem can be settled, and where I basically can get things done all the time. So, when I don't manage to settle with my own feelings, to get rid the unbearable pain, I become immensely frustrated, angry, agitated. I mean, do you even know the extent of my herculean effort to keep me away from negative thoughts? The amount of work and extra curricular activities that I took these past two years would break another record. And for what?

Life is full with infinite possibilities, but death is final. I've experienced multiple personal life-changing challenges and no matter what the severity, I have always survived because I believe that as long as I am breathing, I can fix them, I can manage to deal with them, I can solve them! Yet, for you, no matter what I do, I can't rewritten your death. I can' t rewind time, to scold you for being so stubborn and to bring you to the hospital sooner before it was too late. I just can't. For the first time in my life, I face an unsolvable problem.

Yeah, I know your philosophy and I keep repeating it in front of everybody: If you can do something about it, why bother? And if you can't do anything about it, why bother too? People laugh when they hear this. This is a wise advice. I believe it 100% and I 100% fail in implementing it when it is related to you. Because I am bothered, I am damn bothered all the time by the fact that there is nothing I could do to change it.

That's why I pick Gojo Satoru's theme song, Where Our Blue Is, as the opening of this letter. I ran that song thousands of hours within the past two years, it is the song that perfectly encapsulates my never ending grief. It's a mix of hate, disappointment, longing for days gone by, and most importantly, hope. Hate, because I hate that you win this game of who will leave earlier and therefore is not burdened by the pain of being left alone. Disappointment of my own failure to prevent this tragedy from happening. Longing of rekindling our beautiful memories during the good old days. And hope, a hope that you are still here to see my progress. I'm doing fabulously, but I can do far, far, far better. After all, my life just began at 40. It is simply too soon for you to miss all of the adventures and grand stories that I wish I could tell you directly.

Remember your 4 pages letter to me? Sent in 2014, and personally delivered by Ira to me back in Chicago when I was doing my study for my PhD at the law school. That letter was the one that inspires me to write this imaginary letter. I was curious why you wrote me such a personal letter instead of just calling or skyping me to talk and say that you miss me (yes, there was an app called skype long time ago!). But now, as the self-appointed family treasurer and keeper of all family heirloom, I understand why you need to send me that letter. It serves as an important memento from yourself dedicated solely to me, a treasure that cannot be stolen, a piece of history that will be extremely worthy to myself and no one else.

You see, back during the pandemic, Yura Yunita released a song titled "Tenang" with a touching short video by Ringgo Agus Rahman and Nirina Zubir, telling the story of a middle-aged man who is trying to fix his old video record of his late father because he suddenly forgets his father's voice. That video inspired me to make a record of you and Dad because I too fear that one day, I will forget your voice and I will regret it forever. But the plan never materialized, I had some short records of you but there was no clear message directed to me. Only after your death that I learned from Dad that actually, there was a video that you made along with him and Aa Sodik which can be found here. I am so happy that you left me with some messages there. At least, I know that I can always remember your voice. And of course, I don't repeat mistakes, we now have a podcast video dedicated to you with me, Pras and Dad, securing a bit of our small family memory in this mortal plane.

One particular message in that video that resonates with me is your bold statement that you do not want your kids to take care of you because we owe you something but because we actually care, because of love. And I can't agree more. I don't remember you ever told me that when you are alive but I often say in so many forums that I only do what I love, my job, my hobby, my study, my craft. I dedicate my time and energy for those things because I love them. As declared by Scrooge McDuck, money is just an excess of a successful venture, but the one that is most valuable is the journey, the adventure, the memory.

I suppose your death triggered me to do something big, to go through a journey of self discovery (as advised by Pras). And believe me, I am actually cringing myself as I write "self discovery". You know how certain I am with my own life that I never really stop and ask: who am I and what am I going to do? I was so certain with my identity as a corporate lawyer and I aim to be the best ever lawyer in this galaxy (or hopefully this universe and 17 other dimensions). I love the fact that I actually enjoy my work and that I am blessed with the opportunity to experience a lot of fun activities, the best that the world can offer, all before I was 40. As such, I bet that you will put your hand on my forehead and ask: "are you sick?" or "who are you and where do you hide my son" if I ever say that I need to go through a journey of self discovery. It is simply too absurd, and yet, here we are. Kinda exciting while at the same time annoying because you gave me an extra homework to ponder with. Typical you.

And in that spirit of discovery, I suddenly throw myself into a whole new activity that forces me to explore the world outside my comfort zone beyond of any extra activities that I have done so far. In a normal scenario, I definitely will talk with you first before I make any decision. But, well, you're not here, and a part of me is so angry and sad at the same time with such condition. When I finished my PhD while building my office at the same time back in 2018, you were there reminding me everyday in the most annoying way that I must be successful at both regardless of the time and cost spent to do so. No one else can remind me like that anymore. No one will scold me like you if I ever show any degree of weakness or any slight gesture of giving up. No, no, no, I can even imagine your look of disappointment if I tell you that I am not so sure with my chances. The hardest challenge of doing this activity is not about its difficulty. I can always learn quickly, I know my competitive advantage, and I have the conviction that I can always beat the competition. The hardest challenge here is the fact that I have to do it all without you around, and it sucks.

There are so many reasons and aspirations that I can write in this page, but I realize, I don't need to convey them. There are things that I will only keep between ourselves. Heck, once I had a dream about you around 1.5 years ago that you suddenly came back to life. Dad was so happy in that dream. But I was super skeptical and kept asking various questions to test whether it was you or something else until finally I found out that it was just a demonic impostor because it cannot answer some very personal questions 😂😂😂. Even in my dream, my brain cannot accept that it is just a happy imagination and that I should just enjoy it instead of becoming a party pooper by asking unnecessary questions, haha. Typical me.

In any case, whatever the challenges that I will face later on, I feel that they are worth the time because at least they, along with Dad's post, help me to complete this letter! I finally can take a little step forward and hopefully find a better version of myself. If I didn't choose to go through with it, this draft letter would never see the ray of sun and I am thankful for that. Hopefully, there will be many more letters to come! Though I must say, I was hoping that the additional burden will allow me to at least forget you in the process, but I end up seeing you everywhere, especially through the many people that I meet, so I guess I can't escape from you after all 😤😤😤. Wish me luck, Mom, and see you around the stars.

Missing you forever,

Nanda

When I declared back in October 2023 that I will write something about entering the "magical" age of 40, I absolutely did not expect that I will write an obituary for my mom. Far away from it! But life is full with unexpected surprises and we must cope with that reality. A shorter version of this post was delivered as my annual end of year Message of Managing Partner to our Firm's lawyers and staffs as I think it is important for them to know how much my life philosophy and work ethics are shaped by the parenting style of my mom which obviously affects how I envision and run the Firm for the past 6 years. After all, for a person who thoroughly integrates his life and work, it is simply impossible to separate my personal life from my working life, the connection is just too deep. So no, you will not find a typical story about how family matters above work etc. in this blog post. Such concept is non-existent within the universe of my thought.

As I said during my Firm's anniversary party back in November 2023, I have practically tasted all the pleasures that a good life can offer before I even reach the age of 40. Just see my various adventures in my Instagram account and you will know what I mean. I also reckon my consecutive three-day birthday celebrations in October to be the best parties ever in my life so far. Surrounded by people that are important to me and after securing multiple prestigious awards for the Firm and myself, I was on the highest point of my life (again, so far). With all these accomplishments, it is natural to ask: what's next? What should I do for the next 40 years to bring my Firm and myself to greater new heights? I know that my dream of finding a successor is not yet fulfilled, and of course, there is also the unrealized dream of making UMBRA as the Wachtell Lipton of Indonesia. So many things to plan and do, no rest for the wicked.

Unfortunately, as I was contemplating our next moves, I had to face the devastating reality that I will no longer see my mom, Erna Dewina (her real name for the past 65 years was Erna Dwina but then her last identity card had a typo so we ended up with this new official name). Died too young on 28 December 2023 at the age of 66 due to brain hemmorhage (just like her own mother back in 1994), the only thing that perhaps could embrace me is the fact that my number one hero, Scrooge McDuck, also lost her mother at the age of 57 when he was 30. Timing wise, there is a similarity between his life's journey and my own. Scrooge McDuck received the sad news when he was facing his mortal enemy, Soapy McSlick. Chained to the enemy's ship and ready to admit defeat, that piece of news gave him the much-needed energy to kick McSlick’s ass, destroy his fraudulent business empire, and establish himself as the new King of Klondike, opening the path for Scrooge to become the richest duck in the world and cementing the mantra of “strength through suffering”.

I suppose, I am living in that period too. As our Firm grows larger and gains more successes in such a neck-breaking speed, it is inevitable that there will be people that do not like us. As once said by Anthony Bourdain’s mentor to him, “you know you are damn good when there are enemies that you are not even aware of ready to do whatever it takes to bring you down.” Such is life. But like Unca Scrooge, Bourdain, and many other successful people, pain and suffering are just par for the course. You must face them and either you win, or you die damn trying.

In that context, writing about my mom serves three purposes: (i) ensuring that her memory will live on, (ii) giving the readers a glimpse of my personal background and thought process in building and nurturing my Firm, and (iii) doing a self-therapy to help myself processing the grief and turning the pain into the strength necessary to carry on her legacy and fulfill my ultimate vision.

In the simplest way, my mom is a typical Tiger Mom: relentless, fierce and most of the time, annoying. A true force of nature. Say whatever you want about ideal parenting model, if you do not have enough guts and grit, you cannot survive interacting with my mom for a long period of time. I can assure you that my intense drive for excellence and being competitive is derived from her parenting style. It was crazy and yet I will not expect anything less from her. Pramudya A. Oktavinanda as you know today will not exist without her.

The 2 years before I established UMBRA were the worst period of my life, there was no visibility on whether I will be able to successfully create a new firm independently despite all the preparation, and I was practically stuck with my dissertation writing. Rather than being at the endgame, it was more of a game over. And my mom’s constant messages during those difficult years? “When will you earn your PhD? I want to see my son’s graduation soon.” I was like, wow, come on, I need some moral support and additional time to rest my body and soul, but of course she would not compromise at all. It was always tough love for her. And though I had tried to finish my dissertation and graduated before UMBRA’s official opening in November 2017, my professors said in May 2017 that it was not good enough. Consequently, the next period for graduation (if I ever graduate) would be June 2018, and if I still wished to graduate on that deadline, I would have to work on my major revisions while starting a completely new business with no guarantee of success. This was a tough choice as I only had the last ten million Rupiah in my bank account when I opened my shop. Would I be able to do both and get stellar results, or would this be my total meltdown moment?

Devastated but not shocked, as I thought that I have not put my best effort to this soon-to-be masterpiece, I knew that if I delivered the message to her that I am giving up on my PhD because I am in the process of building a new business empire, she would just scold me or look at me with disappointment (and I couldn't withstand her deadly eye stare). As you may all have guessed, I had no choice and I told myself and her that 2018 will be the year when I finally earn my Doctor of Jurisprudence degree, no matter what the costs. The rest is history (I put a pic with my mom on graduation day at the top of this post as a memento of her) and serves as the basis for me scolding my lawyers nowadays if they ever come to me and say that they are too busy with work. Try running a firm from scratch while practically rewriting 70% of your dissertation on Islamic legal interpretive theory at the same time, and then and only then can they come back to me and declare that they are busy.

Other than installing an absurdly high level of tenacity to me, my mom is also the one who inspires me to promote women at the workplace (we even won Indonesia Law Firm of the Year award by Women in Business Law Awards 2023). I am a feminist because of her as she was the living epitome that women can be both a successful mother and entrepreneur. She brought me to her own office almost everyday so that she can strictly supervise my study and test me from time to time after she dealt with her daily work. It’s like doing cram school but with your own mom, and believe me, it’s worse, especially if I failed to memorize the required reading passage or give the correct answer to the endless exercises from the prep books. I initially did not understand how she had the time to do all of these activities but as I grew older and reached this stage of life, and especially after I also did the unimaginable back in 2018 and continue to surprise myself about my own limit until today, I realize that if you are being trained your entire life to be super persistent with your goal, you would accomplish some incredible feats. No wonder that I have an everlasting burning fire in my soul. I was trained by the best.

Furthermore, she was the source of our family business success and immediately when she was asked to retire earlier by my father from the management, our business went down to hell and was almost completely wiped out during the 1997-1998 crisis. Worst business decision ever! On the one hand, losing everything was damn painful. But on the other hand, as I said above and in many occasions, walking through suffering builds your character. It drives you to be relentless (perhaps borderline obsessive) in the unforgiving race to greatness. This episode of my life is also the main reason why all my female associates find me to be so prejudiced to boys, believing that most of them are distractions. Well now they know, it’s my personal trauma. My message to them is always the same, find a significant other that will support you to soar into the sky and never settle for less.

People should also be able to tell that my deep passion for management, obsession with neatness, diligence, and organizing things, plus a seemingly unlimited energy to enforce all of those commitments (all necessary qualities for becoming an effective Managing Partner) are all derived from my mother. Her brothers and sisters called her “miss rempong”, and I can’t find a better term to describe myself other than being “rempong” too. So yes, this is why both of us are so annoying to other people and why we also both annoy each other so many times. I remember how stressed my brother was whenever I entered into a high pitch conversation with my mom (and not even because we were angry, but simply because we talk so loud and passionate about whatever we believe, haha).

While a piece of me will be lost forever with my mom’s sudden departure (I am after all a doted child a.k.a anak mami), I am grateful that a piece of her will also continue with me as long as I am still living (and hopefully through other people’s memories too). And though I am incredibly sad that I have to part with my mother so soon, I am a little bit happy that unlike Scrooge McDuck who had to learn the news of her mother’s death when he was thousand miles from home, I was lucky enough to spend time with her until the end and that she had the time to celebrate my best birthday party ever (with her gone, I am afraid that no party will ever beat the ones that I had back in October). I guess experiencing all of these highs and lows in such an extreme way when I reached the age of 40 really tells something about the old adage that life begins at 40. It surely begins with a bang!

The next phase of my life will definitely be tougher. My out of this world level of confidence, tolerance to pain, and drive for work are somehow connected to the belief that regardless of whatever challenges that I have to face, I will always have that one supporter in the background. Whether we are near or far, in good times or bad times, and even when we were not talking because of our silly fight (a certainty from time to time as I am a copy paste of my mom, and you can't have two divas on one stage), it does not matter, I know that she will be there for me (and what a lovely thing to find this video of her just after I've finished writing this passage, confirming my belief). With that one ultimate pillar gone so quick, it's surreal to find yourself standing alone in the wilderness of life. It's just like experiencing Thanos's snap in real life but without any possibility of bringing her back. It sucks and yet, I must persevere.

To be brutally frank, I always consider myself as a ruthless dark lord with a pitch black frozen heart. No amount of pain and suffering in this world or even the universe have ever moved me to shed a single tear. As I often said, I don't believe in any moral values where I owe any duty to anyone else, and vice versa, it's all about self-preservation, game theory, and emotion. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I do have a soft spot for my mom, and that speaks an uncountable number of words about her importance to me (There are still many stories and memories about her that I have not shared to the world and it would be my greatest pleasure to share them later on whenever I have the chance). And again, I was very surprised to know that my mom did say the same thing in her video above, she did not want her sons to support and care for her based on filial duty. It must be based on love and nothing else. Great minds think alike.

For my beloved mother, thank you for accompanying my journey for the last 40 years, goodbye, and see you among the stars. I will be forever missing you. For the rest of us, and especially myself, life must go on. There are deals to close, competitors to beat, and an industry that we have yet to dominate! The mission shall continue as planned until the day I leave this mortal plane and beyond. And while the road to such goal is arduous and long, I think I will be just fine as long as I can live the life that I choose, as long as I can do what I love to do now and then, and as long as every once in a while I can reminisce my treasured memories of my mom. Wish me luck!